“I ain’t what I wanna be;
I ain’t what I’m gonna be;
But thank God almighty
I ain’t what I was!”
---an African quote
A response to last week’s blog from Twofaces who brought up one my greatest fears: gaining all my weight back. I read the statistics that 95% of the people who lose weight gain it all back and more. That is terrifying to me!
Losing 125 pounds was the hardest thing I’ve ever done--next to trying to maintain that loss. While I hear of people who have lost over 100 pounds more than once, I know in my heart that I just don’t have what it takes to do it again. So I’ve spent a lot of energy in the last five years trying to keep it off.
Twofaces’ response last week suggested making sure that I have eliminated the “fat girl inside.” I used to think that was the best way to go about it, but I discovered that the “fat girl inside” is way too strong to be eliminated. She is the same kid who devised a way to break into the big metal cabinet where my father locked up the food. I could stick my chubby hand right through a space in the back and pull out those Little Debbie cream-filled oatmeal cakes and consume the whole box one by one. And I did; many times, with many different foods.
The past five years have shown me that the “fat girl” inside is going nowhere. She doesn’t just get eliminated because I have decided to change. She is the biggest source of sabotage in my life as long as I am fighting her. In order to win the battle, I have had to make friends with that part of myself.
There are some characteristics of the “fat girl” that have served me well. She is determined, imaginative and resilient; all qualities that were beneficial in losing weight. When I get bored with exercise, that childlike creativity finds a way to keep moving. For example I may make up stories in my mind about the different people I pass each day on my walk. Or I may do something daring and new; like buying a bike and starting cycling for exercise.
The one thing I have learned about my “fat girl” is that she tends to react with rebelliousness to someone else telling her what she can do or not do. Whether it’s my father locking up food in the house or a diet program prescribing exactly what I can or cannot eat; I do not respond well to authoritative methods. One of the things that appealed to me about SparkPeople is that I could decide my own diet and be in charge of my own food without feeling bad about deviating from a specific plan imposed on me.
Another aspect of SparkPeople that helped me make friends with the “fat girl” is SP’s playful approach to behavior modification. We are rewarded points for positive behavior such as reading an informative article. Month after month I tried to earn points and in time these positive behaviors became my normal way of being, rather than a means to gaining points. In the process, I learned about many aspects of healthy living; including exercise, nutrition, and motivation. I now have the tools to help me maintain my weight loss.
Unfortunately, it’s not magic. Heaven knows I have looked for and tried every magic solution I could find. I still have to wake up each day and make the choices that move me in a forward direction instead of back to where I was. At this point, I am vulnerable to the stresses of working and being in school full time. It’s easy to choose not to exercise because I don’t have time; it’s easy to select a convenient, not-very-healthy food out of a vending machine instead of taking the time to prepare something good for me.
It all boils down to a choice: “Do I want to do the things that got me to 280 pounds, or do I want to do the things that allow me to be active, buy attractive clothes, feel powerful, hold my head high? It really is a choice.
next: My Goal For 2008
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Yes. I have yo yo dieted for years. Working at McDonalds for 15 years, puts weight on slow and steady. Yup I can take it off with the diet drinks and then put in on again. So tired of that. I hit 200, my wedding weight was 98. So I knew when I saw it, that I was literally killing myself. And I did not want that. I thought it was from depression and eating, and blaming other people saying things to make me feel bad, then I realized, if the only person feeling bad after them saying it was me, then I better take charge. Either ignore the words, throw it back at them, or switch them around into positive notes so that my self esteem will rise. My anger and determination started me on this path to health and I will not stop. I have lost 60 pounds and I want to do another 40.. People say I am nuts, I will never get there. I had two children, and I am over 50. And I say, eat my dust, if this is what I want and what my body will do, and it is healthy, it will happen.
Posted by Carol | February 28, 2008 6:38 PM