Ellen's Horoscope

Ellen's Holiday Horoscopes Are Here!

December 4, 2008 | Posted at 9:00 AM

Ellen has returned to her second job as a part-time fortuneteller -- just in time for the holidays! Click right here to see your Holiday Horoscope, and keep in mind that, so far, Ellen's predictions have been 99.9% accurate.*


*Though our margin of error is so high, it's incalculable.

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October Horoscopes Have Arrived!

October 15, 2008 | Posted at 2:00 PM

Due to popular demand, Ellen has once again unveiled her predictions for your future. Unlike most astrologers, Ellen makes her predictions using her own original scientific technique.* Click right here to see October Horoscopes.

*She pretty much just takes wild guesses. (patent pending)

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Ellen Looks into Her Crystal Ball

September 11, 2008 | Posted at 2:00 PM

Each month, Ellen will look into her crystal ball and reveal your future. Read your September horoscope here, and please know that Ellen’s predictions have never been wrong*.

*Her predictions have never been right either. This is her first attempt at astrology.

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