30 Seconds to Air

By now, we all know that Ellen's studio is cold. We've all seen Ellen's guests fighting off frostbite, the icicles dangling from the cameras, the pesky penguins nesting on Stryker's records, and polar bears devouring deli platters in the dressing rooms. But one of the benefits of such a cold studio is that Ellen can do all the backstage ice skating she wants. Stay tuned for "Ellen on Ice," coming this summer to an arena near you. In the meantime, Ellen has another show to do. There's only... Cinco Seconds to Air!

Sometimes, just before her show, Ellen likes to stare at a blank TV screen. It's her way of reminding herself that she's got to try to be more entertaining than a turned-off TV. Otherwise, what's the point? Sure, we all know that Ellen doesn't need to go to that kind of trouble. There's no way she couldn't be entertaining even if she tried not to be. I guess you don't become a superstar without always pushing yourself to the entertaining limit every second of the day. And that's what Ellen DeGeneres does. Especially when there's only... 30 Seconds to Air.

Ellen's not just the host of her show, she's also the den mother, so to speak. Her shoulder is always there for her staff to cry on. That's why you often see her with wet shoulders. Here we see her counseling the Ellen mascot. It's been getting a lot of airtime lately, and Ellen's worried that it might be getting a big head. Let's hope that the mascot takes Ellen's advice. Ellen has to wrap-up their chat because, there's only... 30 Seconds to Air!

It's Ellen's 800th show! It's the 800th time Ellen has stood backstage before her show started. The 800th last-minute check to see if her hairpiece is in place. The 800th time she's discovered a "Kick Me" sign on her back and pulled it off at the last minute. The 800th time Ellen has practiced her "She sells sea shells by the sea shore" enunciation warm-ups. The 800th chugged gin and tonic, the 800th peek to see if she knows anyone in the audience. The 800th quick cry, then laugh, then cry. The 800th time she's wiped the barbecue sauce off her hands with the curtain. It's the 800th time someone has whispered, "Ms. Degeneres, there's only... 30 seconds to air."

Welcome to Ellen's backstage thrill ride! You've got to be at least this tall to watch this video. Strap yourselves in and make sure all your belongings are securely stowed. Hear that sound? The shoulder bar just locked, the break was just released -- and you're lurching forward. It must be... 30 Seconds to Air!

Why stay in front of the scenes when you can go behind the scenes? Now you can feel the electricity of anticipation, as Ellen gets ready for her seven-hundred-ninety-seventh show. Check out this raw, unedited, unvarnished look at what's happening backstage when there's only... 30 Seconds to Air.

Ever wonder what it's like to be backstage just before the show starts? Strap yourselves in and take this 30-second backstage thrill ride! It's like you're right there in the middle of the action! You can almost feel the sub-zero temperature and smell Stryker's cologne!

Sometimes, before
Ellen is so excited about Monday's show -- she's climbing the walls with anticipation! Of course, ever since she was bitten by a radioactive itsy-bitsy spider, she climbs waterspouts and walls all the time anyway. A lot of the big talk show hosts have super powers. Jay leno has the ability to travel through time (that's how he gets a big jump on all his topical material). Oprah has a magic lasso and flies around in an invisible plane. Did you know that Dr. Phil originally came here as an infant from a distant planet populated by super beings that all have healthy relationships and take responsibility for their own actions? Anyway, Ellen had better get down off that wall. There's only ...30 Seconds to Air.

What am I doing when there's only 30 seconds to air?

A) I like to have my palms read before the show starts to find out how it's going to turn out.

B) I just rode to the show on my electric beverage cooler and am wiping the axle grease off of my hands.

C) I just "high-fived" the people in the background so now I'm having my hands sanitized.

D) I am counting on my fingers to see how many more shows I have until the big 800th.

E) All of the above.

F) None of the above.

G) Two of the above... okay, this is getting silly. I just wanted to see how many letters I could get to.

With only 30 seconds before her show starts, what is Ellen thinking?*

A) "Now where did I put those ornaments for my giant Christmas tree again?"

B) "Why do I suddenly have the urge to wear polyester and do The Hustle?"

C) "Glinda, the Good Witch of the North and her two backup singers are late for the show, where could they be?"

D) "Once I activate these giant hypnotizing disco balls of doom, I will finally be able to take over the world and banish glitter forever!"

*All answers must be phrased in the form of a question. Questions must phrased in the form of an answer. Contest void where prohibited except in Hawaii, where it is prohibited where voided. All rights reserved.

Ellen just flew in from Orlando, and as you can see from this picture, boy are her arms tired! You can also see that she's happy to be back, especially since she's got a terrific homecoming show lined up. "My Name Is Earl's" Jamie Pressly is stopping by to auction off the "My Name Is Earl" motorcycle for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and "Little Miss Sunshine" herself, Abigail Breslin is here to talk about her wonderful new movie, "Nim's Island." And just wait 'til you meet Sam Williams -- who just crossed the Atlantic Ocean in a rowboat! You're going to love him. As a matter of fact, of all the transatlantic rowboaters Ellen has had on her show, Sam is one of our favorites. Ellen can't wait to start the show. It's a good thing there's only... 30 Seconds to Air.

What is Ellen doing 30 seconds before her show starts?

A) Watching Mama as she bungee jumps from the catwalk.

B) Doing her famous Orangutan impression from "Planet Of The Apes."

C) Playing invisible "Twister."

D) Wrangling her pet giraffe, "Shorty."

E) Practicing her mad break dancing skilz.

You have 30 seconds to answer correctly. All answers must be written with a #2 pencil and submitted in triplicate. Offer void in all states except Hawaii and East Dakota.

With only 30 seconds left before her show airs, what is Ellen doing?*

A) Balancing a curtain on her head.

B) Trying to catch the gum that she just spit into the air.

C) Waiting for her denture assistant to show up.

*All answers must be submitted no later than midnight yesterday. Limit 1 per customer. All returns must be accompanied with receipt.

Look at that enthusiasm! After 17 years of hosting her show, day in and day out, Ellen is just as jazzed as she was on the day she started. I know I would be excited if I had an 11-year-old sports prodigy, Cheryl Hines and Weight Loss Hypnotist Paul McKenna all on the same show. Just standing here taking her backstage picture, I can tell that her excitement is contagious! Who can blame her for getting carried away? ...Personally, I think that the slap on my behind was a little uncalled for, but with Ellen so pumped up to perform, these things happen when there’s only ...30 Seconds To Air.

Is Ellen Thinking...

A) "I think I'll do my whole monologue in Pig Latin."

B) "Ever since I went to The Bigfoot Finishing School, I feel more graceful."

C) "Take another unflattering backstage picture of me, buddy, and you'll be picking the pieces of that camera off of the floor."

D) "Oh Andy, glad to see that you have your pants back on."

*All answers are final. Void Where Prohibited. No postage required.

There's only 30 Seconds To Air. Why does Ellen look this way?

A) She finally caught a glimpse of the elusive giant who lives under the stage.

B) She's doing her famous deer in the headlights impression.

C) Her face froze after a marathon staring contest with Steve Carell.

D) Andy, her backstage 30 Second To Air photographer, forgot to wear his pants today.

*[There is no official answer. If you feel you've answered correctly, please give yourself a pat on the back and award yourself a prize of your choice.]

Ellen's in a good mood today. You can just tell. She's got that look in her eye. You can tell something is up. She's definitely up to no good. Is there a kick me sign on my back? Come on, tell me, is there? I think it's spring fever. She's got that skip in her step, that hop in her jump. I heard her whistling earlier. If Ellen put a kick me sign on my back, you'd tell me wouldn't you? Did she put shoe polish on my view finder? Does it look like I have a black eye? You can tell by that smirk that she's definitely up to something. I'm going to go check in the mirror to see if I have shoe polish around my eye before she tries something else. It's a good thing that there's only ...30 Seconds To Air.

30 seconds to air: Ellen walks under this backstage chandelier.

28 seconds to air: The photographer taking this photo runs out of film.

25 seconds to air: the cable holding up the chandelier snaps.

20 seconds to air: from out of nowhere, an old lady carrying a baby and a puppy walk under the chandelier.

15 seconds to air: Ellen pushes the old lady out of the way. (Not too hard though. The old lady doesn't get hurt and she doesn't drop the baby or the puppy.)

10 seconds to air: Still standing under the chandelier, Ellen stops to quickly tie her shoe. One of her laces gets caught on a nail stuck in the floor.

5: seconds to air: Ellen wonders why it's taking so long for the chandelier to fall on her.

1: second to air: Ellen gets her shoelace free just in time and walks out to do her show completely composed like nothing happened at all.

How can one of the world's most popular television personalities be shy, you ask? The answer is that many shy people overcompensate for their shyness by having their own talk shows. Johnny Carson was notoriously shy and stayed in a small room located under his desk until he would hear Doc Severinsen start up the band. Dick Cavett never spoke a word until he was 27-years old. Mike Douglas was so shy that he had a Mike Douglas impersonator host every single one of his shows.

Look at those bright blue eyes yearning to be your friend. Sometimes if you are quiet and don't make any quick movements, you can coax her out by making clicking sounds and she will host a show for you. I think it's a testament to her dedication and professionalism that she overcomes her fears day after day to entertain all of us. Shhhh. Ellen's show is about to start. Don't make any sudden movements and back up slowly. There's only ...30 Seconds To Air.