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Do You Know a Child Who is Bullied?

Memorial contributions for Carl Walker-Hoover may be sent to:

Carl J. Walker Trust Fund
c/o Hampden Bank
19 Harrison Avenue
Springfield, MA 01103

If You Are Being Bullied...

Tell someone. This may seem scary at first, however, telling someone can lighten your load and help you work out how to solve the problem and stop being bullied. Talking to someone is particularly important if you feel unsafe or frightened, or if you don't have many friends. Asking for help or talking to someone about it is not being weak or "giving in." In fact, it can take a lot of strength and courage.

• It might be easier if you talk to someone you know well and trust; they will give you much needed support and will often have suggestions you hadn't considered for dealing with the situation.
• You might feel more comfortable taking a friend with you. If you feel you might get too nervous to speak, write down what you'd like to say on paper or in an email.
• If you don't feel as if you are believed or taken seriously, or if no action is taken, it doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid or the bullying should continue. It's important you tell someone else and continue to do so until you are helped.
• Being bullied can be upsetting and stressful and can affect a range of different areas of your life, including self-esteem, relationships, work or study. You can find out more about how it might affect you here.

If Your Kid Is Being Bullied

• Listen with empathy. Many times, kids, especially boys, feel great shame when bullied. As a result, it's very hard for them to talk about it, and in the process, get some of the pain out of them and move toward a solution.
• Tell the teacher and/or school, but even more important, document the event and others before it. This way you can provide the teacher with facts instead of emotional appeals, which are understandable but not necessarily very helpful.
If You Hear From Another Source That Your Kid Is Being Bullied

Bring it up to your child. They need to know that you're aware of the bullying situation and that you're willing and able to provide protection for them. This protection comes in three forms. You'll want to use them all.

1. Give Them Confidence. Let your child know you believe that they already have many skills necessary to combat this bullying. Tell your child that in some situations they will be able to manage the bullies all by themselves. Make up a bullying scenario, and then ask them what they would do, given the situation. Say, "What would you do if you walked into the bathroom at school and three bullies were in there?" Affirm any skills that you believe viable. If they say that they would turn around and walk out, respond, "Good for you. If you think a situation is unsafe, it's best to get away."

2. Prepare Your Child for a Confrontation. Quick retorts, spoken with a powerful voice and strong body language work best. Role-play with them. Have them practice using sound bites that they might use to curtail these bullies. Fine-tune these lines to fit their particular situation. Some examples: "Get away. You're mean. Leave me alone." "I may be short, but I'm mighty." "I'm a little chubby, but I'm not fat. No one's perfect." "I'm not stupid. It's mean of you to say so to anyone."

3. Check-In at School. Contact your child's teacher and the school principal if you sense the bullying situation is beyond what your child can manage on his or her own. The bullying incidents are probably not only happening to your child -- there are most likely other victims at their mercy. It's likely a school problem that school authorities need to address.

Website Links

Trevor Hotline:

The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. Every day, The Trevor Project saves lives through its free and confidential helpline, its website and its educational services.

Website: thetrevorproject.org
Hotline: 1-866-4-U-Trevor

Boys Town National Hotline:

The Boys Town National Hotline is a 24-hour crisis, resource and referral line. Trained counselors can respond to your questions every day of the week, 365 days a year. Among other things, they can help teens and parents with:

• Suicide prevention
• Depression
• School issues

Website: http://www.boystown.org/AboutUs/hotline/Pages/CrisisHotline.aspx
Hotline: 1-800-448-3000 to speak with a counselor.
Email: Go here to send an email to a counselor: http://www.boystown.org/AboutUs/hotline/Pages/EmailUs.aspx

Hopeline:

24-Hour National Suicide Hotline. Since 1998, Hopeline has answered more than 3 million calls.
They provide a life-saving service that is private and confidential for people in need. Calls are connected to the nearest crisis center.
Website: hopeline.com
Hotline: 1-800-Suicide


Bullying Statistics

An estimated 30 percent of American youth are either a bully or a target of bullying. (The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center)

A survey of students in grades 6-10 shows that 13 percent report having bullied other students, and another 11 percent said they were the targets of bullying. (The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center)

Nearly half of children between the ages of 9 and 13 have been bullied, and nearly 10% of those students say it happens on a daily basis. (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

In general, most every article speaks of increased bullying due to the rise of the Internet. Known as cyber-bullying, victims can also be targeted outside of school, at all hours of the day because of sites like MySpace, Facebook, and YouTube -- not to mention cell phones.

Boys are often beat up, while girls are the subject to rumors. (The National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center)

Bullying and Suicide

Suicide remains among the leading causes of death of children under 14. And in most cases, the young people die from hanging. (AAS)

A new review of studies from 13 countries found signs of an apparent connection between bullying, being bullied, and suicide. (Yale School of Medicine)

Suicide rates among children Carl's age are very low, but are "creeping up." (Ann Haas, Director of the Suicide Prevention Project at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention)

The suicide rate among young male adults in Massachusetts rose 28 percent in 2007. However, that does not reflect deaths among teenagers and students Carl's age. (Massachusetts Dept. of Public Health, in a report released April 8, 2009)

Since 2002, at least 15 schoolchildren ages 11 to 14 have committed suicide in Massachusetts. Three of them were Carl's age. ("Constantly Bulled, He Ends His Life at Age 11," by Milton J. Valencia. The Boston Globe, April 20, 2009)

Suicide rates among 10 to 14-year-olds have grown more than 50 percent over the last three decades. (The American Association of Suicidology, AAS)

In 2005 (the last year nationwide stats were available), 270 children in the 10-14 age group killed themselves. (AAS)

Bullying and Homosexuality

In a 2007 study, 86% of LGBT students said that they had experienced harassment at school during the previous year. (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network -- GLSEN)

Research indicates that LGB youth may be more likely to think about and attempt suicide than heterosexual teens. (GLSEN)

In a 2005 survey, students said their peers were most often bullied because of their appearance, but the next top reason was because of actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender expression. ("From Teasing to Torment: School Climate of America" -- GLSEN and Harris Interactive)

According to the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network 2007 National School Climate Survey of more than 6,000 students...

• Nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT youth reported being verbally harassed at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation
• Nearly half (44.1 percent) reported being physically harassed
• About a quarter (22.1 percent) reported being physically assaulted
• Nearly two-thirds (60.8 percent) who experienced harassment or assault never reported the incident to the school
• Of those who did report the incident, nearly one-third (31.1 percent) said the school staff did nothing in response


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Comments (140) | Post a comment now »

How do you stop a bully who is leaving hurtful notes in someones locker

267wfy Lol lol lool lol ha-ha! Lol lol lol?

Does your child get bullied in school? Do you wish there was something you could do to make your child feel more confident? Well, we can help!

A prominent cable television show is now casting in New York City and the surrounding Tri-state area. We are currently looking for a family where a child has been bullied in school. We want to work with you to boost your child's self confidence and help them live a more enjoyable life.

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I am always so horrified when I hear about a child being bullied and so devastated when a child dies because of it. As an adult who was bullied as a child and the mother of a 10 year old boy who has been bullied I feel the upmost empathy for everyone who has ever suffered through being bullied. My son goes to a private school in Calgary for kids with learning disabilities and he was bullied his entire first year there. Firt it was just one child doing it but because that child is very dominant and well liked it became most of the kids in his grade picking on him (there are only 12 kids in his grade). The school was in denial at first but after it got realy bad and I found out that this horrible bully had won Student of the Month I had enough. The bully confessed to everything and stopped for a while but started again after a month. Of course the other kids joined in. The shcool once again got involved and spoke to all the kids and of course they felt they had many reasons to bully my son. By then it was too late to find another school for special needs and most of the kids that were treating my son badly apolgoized. Things are better this year but that horrible kid and his friends are still there and when every my son does anything they tell on him and get him into trouble. We are changing schools for next year to give him a fresh start. I wish parents of children who are bullies could know how much damage their childs beheviour causes. Usually these kid are very devious and manipulative so their parents think they can do no wrong.

Hello Ellen,

My daughter is 6 and has been telling me lately she's going to be on the Ellen show for my birthday present. I was born on April 30 and I would love you to met my daughter as of course she is one of the most amazing little girls I have ever met.
It would mean so much to her to be able to do this.
She does sing and dance - but mostly for me and her family. She is fearless.
She calls me Mama just like you call your Mama.
Margaret Lobb

EUk7vN comment5 ,

Nh5KPr comment4 ,

What a wonderful idea: to have a class every day (from preschool through high school) about respect, kindness, and compassion. How can we make that happen?

My condolences. And thank you, thank you Ellen for discussing this. I think you've been the most outspoken on this issue vis-a-vis any other public figure.

I know what it's like. I nearly committed suicide as both a youth and adult from bulling. And, as a youth, I did commit acts of violence against my bullies. One incident in high school the bully pulled a chair out from behind me. I must have been pumped full of adrenaline because I went to his locker after class, lifted him with my left hand, looked up into his face, waved my right fist in his face, and said, "If you do that again I'll cave your face in." Then I put him down and walked away. The bullying stopped and the principal privately told me later, "It's about time (that I did something about my bully)."

Moral of this story: Bullies must be accountable for their actions

Times have changed and this never should have been acceptable, but bullies will be held accountable whether by authorities or vigilante justice. Until bullies are held accountable by authorities, much more frequently than violence, kids like Carl Walker will solve the problem by taking their own lives.

BTW, I don't resort to vigilante justice now. I've struggled with PTSD from child abuse, other anxiety disorders, self medicated with alcohol, I've had to "voluntarily" leave jobs because of bullying, been financially ruined more times than I can count, and formerly homeless. I've had help and at age 54 finally got the correct diagnosis and medications that have been quite helpful in controlling my depression, anxiety, and bleeding ulcer. So I'm in good shape now.

I don't like some of the advice. I've always been a thoughtful person and have never been quick with a retort. I'm smart, I earned a doctorate, I just don't have words at the tip of my tongue. If somebody says something mean to you, you don't have to answer at all. Silence and walking away is sometimes the best. You don't have to say anything to communicate your disapproval.

And don't "count to 10" or "don't let them get to you." Bullies get to you and the bully knows it. After being bullied, a kid needs to talk to a confidant.

If the bully(s) physically prevent a target (victim) from leaving, then that's a criminal act and should be prosecuted. Carry a voice recorder in your pocket to record evidence. And, armed with evidence of a criminal act (false imprisonment, assault, etc.) report it to the police.

I'm older now and a neighbor a block away once got so out of control I heard it down the block. Thinking something serious was happening I grabbed my digital camera (with movie mode) and started it rolling. The police were called, he was arrested and I provided the film. Later the neighbor followed me to my house screaming, "Why don't you record me again?" I pulled out my camera again, started it rolling, called the police again, and he was arrested again. I think the second time the police told him, "Look, you stalked him. He had the right to collect evidence. Leave him alone and you won't get arrested." He hasn't bothered me since.

Moral of this story: use technology to gather evidence of bullying.

Omitted from the advice is a physical change. If the bully sits behind you, ask the teacher (demand if necessary) a change in seating. Change classes. School's are loath to do this, so you may have to fight school administration on this, but what's wrong with letting the students learn in the class where they are most comfortable?

Jim

My condolances go out to Ms. Walker and I thank her so much for what she is doing.

I can so feel her pain, I was in her shoes a few years ago, although I am lucky in that my son is still here. Had we not taken him out of high school and let him get his GED, we would have lost him. He had confided in his older brother of ways he had thought about killing himself; all from the terrible teasing he went through at school.

Matt had and still does wear his feelings on his shirtsleeve and the kids at school knew it and teased and tormented him to death. They'd gang up on him in the locker room at p.e. and it got to the point that he wouldn't even eat lunch because he had no one to eat with. Even the girls picked on him at lunch. Matt had one good friend who would defend him to no end, but he was no match for the scores of kids who picked on him. This young friend and his dad would call us and tell us what was going on. When I called one of the guidance counselor's (who I knew from the gym and THOUGHT was a friend) and told her, her response was, "well, he's doing something to make them tease him!" I haven't cared for her as a friend since!

Matt's dad and are divorced, but we went in together with Matt and met with the principal and Matt's guidance counselor. They couldn't believe what we told them and they very much encouraged Matt not to drop out because his grades were good. But in Matt's own words to me one morning, "Mom, I don't care what you and dad say, I'm quitting school, it's nothing but PURE HELL for me and I will NOT go back".

We let him drop out and we enrolled him in a program at the local jr. college and he did great there. It was a small class, he liked his teachers and he got his GED before he would have gotten his high school diploma. He is now 24 and has been married for 2 years. He recently lost his job but they are putting him through college through a program they offered their laid off employees.

Thank you VERY MUCH Ms. Walker for helping everyone out there who is still going through this nightmare with their kids.


I have 11yr. old twin boys. They have been bullied by the same kid for the past 2 years. The bullying has gone from kicking, tripping, name calling, stealing lunch and more. I am a very active parent in our school. I am at the school almost everyday. My biggest hurdle was getting my kids to tell their teacher when things were actually happening not after the fact. I have talked to the teachers and assisstant principal. The bully has gotten detention and in school suspension, things are good for a couple of weeks and then it starts again. The bully takes karate and mother lives in a fantasy world thinking her on is an angel who is just misunderstood. My twins are going on to middle school next year and I am worried. I made them sit in the living room with me and listen to Carl's story. My kids are "A" honor roll students, perfect attendance, well liked. Towards the end of the school year when the bully would do something to one of my kids the other kids in their class would stand up against him with my kids. Telling the teacher and telling the bully he would have to beat up them too. I hope to keep my kids on the right path that they are on now. I hope that the middle school is strict on bulllying, but I won't know until August. Parents need to keep the lines of communication open with their children and the school.

Ellen,

I am so glad that you brought this up. I am currently off of work on medical an now addicted to your show. I sorry I missed this the first time it aired but am glad that it was shown again. I hope more people become aware of this issues more often. I was bullied as a child back in junior high and it carried all the way in to my high school years. I am now an adult in my 40's and I not a day goes by that I dont turn on the tv and hear how a child has been bullied. I recently joined myspace and a gentlemen from school asked me to be is friend. I sent a reply back stating that I was suprised he remember me. He stated I always remember the ones that I was mean to. Since that time I have had more class mates whom have come up and talked to me that use to bullie me in school and now their children are now going thru what they did to others so many years ago.

Ellen,
I watched the rerun of your show on bullying today and while I feel extremely sorry for the loss of the little boy I was disappointed that you and she blamed the school system. I have been an educator for 30 years and believe me we do our very best to prevent bullying and to stop it when we are aware it exists. Our district has ongoing bullying programs that begin in kindergarten and continue until the students graduate from high school. There are yearly trainings for everyone from the superintendent down to the student with everyone from bus drivers to cafeteria workers included. The problem is that all the training in the world cannot always prevent bullying. As one of earlier viewers commented, children are sneaky. They do not do the bullying in front of school personnel. They wait until they are in the bathroom or the crowded cafeteria or on the playground or bus. Unfortunately we do not have one teacher for every student so it is just impossible to witness every incident that occurs.
In addition bulllying that occurs before the student gets on the bus and after the child gets off the bus is the responsibility of the parent not the school. I get very tired of the single parent excuse. The key word here is "parent." Our country is filled today with single parents who are in that situation for a variety of reasons. This cannot be an excuse. You are a parent first and your children are your first responsibility 24 hours a day not just in the hours that they are home from school. It is your job to help your child if he or she is hurting. If the child is being bullied at the bus stop then take them to the bus stop yourself and meet them there afterwards. If you personally can't, then find a neighbor or friend who can. Drive them to school or even MOVE if it is that extreme. In my experience most parents say they are always at the school or asking for help from the school but they are not and they do not. Most parents hesitate to come to school to discuss their children especially if it is an unpleasant situation. Perhaps the child tells them not to go because "things will get worse." That is generally not the case and should be an eyeopener for the parent that something is wrong that the child does not want you to know about. This is when you should definitely go to school. Schools are there to educate our youth not raise them but as the years go by I find that this is what is expected of us. When something goes wrong it is easy to blame us (the school) instead of taking the responsibility as the parent. It is time to get back to some old fashion values, morals and ethics and responsibilities. I am not old and I value what my parents taught me about responsibility. My three children are my first and foremost responsibility. I am their first teacher and protector. It is MY responsibility to make sure they are ok and not bullied. It is my responsibility to know my child best. If there is a problem I will not stop until I solve it. Parents, no one loves your children like you do. Make them your first priority and stop making excuses. Really come to the school ready to discuss and work as partners to solve these bullying problems. We are not your enemy. We love these children also or we would not be in this business. We want to help all children grown up strong mentally and physically and we want to work with you as partners.

I want to send out my condolences to Carl's family. My heart goes out to them. I have a 13 year old son and he has been picked on since he was in 2nd grade. He is a very sweet boy and every adult, many older kids, and most younger kids love him, but his peers treat him badly. He has no real friends that call our home or invite him out. These kids call him names, have shut his hand in a locker, have told him that he does not deserve to wear the clothes he has on, call him gay, say many horrible things to him (and those were all just in the last month). I feel he is their "prey" when he goes to school. He has a TSS (Therapeutic Staff Support) that goes to school with him and he is in regular education classes, but that fuels the fire at times. She tries to put a stop to it but they just wait til she isn't there with him. He was recently diagnosed with Asberger's Syndrome and has trouble with identifying whether someone is being mean or just playing. He thinks everyone is his friend when in fact they are bullying him around. He was so shocked when the one boy shut his hand in the locker because then he realized he was being mean. But that was short lived. He still thinks he is his friend. These kids tell him to do things and he does it to be their friend, even if he gets in trouble, but he doesn't understand that they are not his friends and they are only using him for their fun. The schools have had an assembly about bullying, but that did nothing. This still goes on all of the time. Every day it's someone doing or saying something to him. He won't even wear a short sleeve shirt in 80 degree weather because they pick on him for a small birthmark on his arm. He sufers in the heat, as there is no air conditioning in our schools, because of these kids. Kids are soooo mean and cruel and the teachers turn their head and do nothing. He has been punished because those kids are slick and he responds to them then he gets caught and punished and they lie and say they did nothing. I wish something could be done about bullies in school and on busses. This happens on busses too. This is a huge problem that is getting worse and needs to be stopped before more innocent children are lost because of it.

As a counselor in an elementary school, I know that many of us work so hard to provide both emotional and educational support to targets of bullies as well as bullies. School is only a portion of a child's day. Parents, communities and media all have a part in the prevention and healing. Parents are role models for how children deal with tolerance of others or how to react to adversity. Schools are like families and children bring to school what they see modeled at home and in their neighborhoods.Do the children see caring and concern for others at home? Do they see tolerance and acceptance for those that are different? Do they see privilege and judgement modeled at home therefore empowering them to behave as though they are better than others? Media also has an impact as well as access to the new comunication tools that many children love to use.
This is a picture bigger than just schools, we all need to encourage compassion in our lives. Whether it is a family's encouragement of the kid on their child's softball team that always strikes
out causing a loss for the team or inclusion of other children socially. We all send powerful messages each day as adult role models. I know that I will begin the next school year once again trying my best to provide proactive activities as well as opportunities for children to practice compassion and tolerance.I will provide a place for children to share the hurt and follow up on consequences of those that hurt others. I know there are so many schools trying so hard to provide a safe and positive enviroment for their students. What are you going to be doing?


I watched your show today and my son was being bullied. One thing I can say is parents need to take an active role in there childs life. Parents have to step in. Yes, I agree with alot of the comments made here, words do hurt and that is one reason why I put my son into Karate. It helps with his self esteem and it makes him feel better about himself. And it also helps him to defend himself against others who try to hurt him. My son missed alot of school because he was afraid, I called the superintendent of the schools and let her know what was going on and I called the school and talked to the principal and I had to do something. My son was failing and this was not like him. I had to get the police involved and go to court. Now my son is getting all A's and B's on the honor roll and is not afraid to go to school. So yes, it takes the parents to do something and the school administration and the superintendent to take care of the problem. It is sad to hear that kids are that cruel. A little boy's life was taken because he was being bullied. I know exactly what Carl's mother is going through. Stay strong and positive. I had to step in because I was scared for my son, he was scared. You shouldn't be scared to go to school. It is a place of learning and I wasn't going to let kids bully my son out of getting his education. But they also thought they could take his money and do damage to my parents house and car. I had to call the police too many times. I had to go to court, cause one kid thought he could take money from my son. It is ashame how kids have to defend themselves. I thank Ellen for letting Carl's mother tell her story. The bully needs to stop. And parents have to step in.

Dear Ellen, I watched your show taday, it was arepat that I had missed I was in Pittsburgh when it originally aired. I saw this women with another mother who's son had also killed himeself the two were a few weeks apart. Even though my kids are grown and out of school my heart goes out to these women. To lose a child is sooo sad. I knew you would get involved I hope with yours and Oprah's help. That this will get the message across. I agree that they need to talk to kids in school everyday about being kind to one another not just other kids but to everyone ! Maybe if they took the time in school this would stop. It needs to be all grades even high school. We as parents also need to teach our children to be kind anot to say things that could hurt another person.

Ellen thank you so much for doing this story. My son was bullied for over 2 years at school. I brought the issue up to the principle and teachers and they said they never saw anything and even questioned the boy that was bullying Matthew. Of course the boy denied it.I thought it would get better because a new principle came to the school, but it continued.He came home with a broken arm and fractured leg. Soon after that we found out that Matthew had Leukemia. The bullying continued when he came back to school.The school tried to dismiss the bullying problem saying they new something else was wrong. I was so frustrated and angry knowing my son had weak bones and he was continuing to be pushed around when the teachers were not looking. I was done with all the excuses from the principle and teacher that I pulled him out of school and now he is being home schooled.

my name is sammy kaufman and im ten years old i go to nicley elementary. At my school we do a starfish program to stop bullying we do plays ,toutering and starfish helpers.I did the starfish plays the play that I did was about a new kid comes to the school and his name was figero and evreyone was making fun of him but my frind nicole played Emily. Emily stood up to her friends and told them to stop picking on them and in the end evryone became friends with figero.

Hi I am Sara Sammys mom the starfish program is amazing. I have Two girls that attend nicely and two more that will soon be there and am excited about the program. They have many different ways for the kids to be involved and learn how to help each other. The older kids tutor the younger kids the have a starfish helper program that they do just different things around the school. They hav a group of kids that do community service projects. At christmas they teamed up with meals on wheel and delived cookies with the meals. The principal saw aneed and came up with the program. All of the teachers and students are involved. Everyone has a job. I think that it would be great to see this done in more schools. They even have a starfish moto of the day and quality of the week. Thank you for addressing this issue on your show today. It truly is a problem but it is nice to know that there are people out there doing things trying to help.
Sara Kaufman
Kaufmanx5@comcast.net

Thank you ellen for bringing this issue up. My husband is a youth pastor, and we work with around 80 Jr. and Sr. high students each week. we love the kids to death, and my heart breaks when they tell us that they don't feel safe at school. Most kids who are being bullied will not tell anyone about it, because they are embarrassed. I encourage the girls in our youth group to share their struggles with each other, so that we can support one another, and understand that we have all been picked on at one point in our life. I have been teaching the girls to keep their eyes open, and if they see someone who looks lonely, think about how much they would want someone to talk to them. The girls are becoming more aware, and getting rid of the "me" attitude that most teens have.


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