hi dear degeneres... i think i feel much better now....... about myself and about
ppl around....... i want to tell u since i began to come to ellen's site it's been
very hard time for me..... always feel confused and headache, and questioning ur
intention(just like u dont trust me..) and sleep late, and eat little...... good thing
is loosed weight, only half way though...... so dont look too bad this summer...
but not as slim as when i was over 'hyper' for sure, but now much happier....... i
rather have the weight then being 'hyper', that was 'hell' truely......... and i dont
want to look that good either.......(look good only causes trouble, does no good at all)
(feel like those english girls in the novels, either always the victum or the snake, that
sure feel 'good')
so seem like this english type 'velentine' work so well on the americans as well? see
they were all hooked!!!!!!!!!!! :p (because no matter how rightous they try, 'desire is
desire', right!!!!!!!!!) very funny.......... u think the english type 'velentine' might
be more effective then the japanese type? [i mean the english was hooked as well, wasnt
me anyway.. and japanese too..]

since i began to come to ellen's website, i felt different and confused about myself.
and when i go out like doing normal shopping..... sometimes i feel different myself,
like am i normal person? when i think that way ppl will see me different as well......
it's been almost 2 months now, and i didnt feel good, about myself and about ppl.
now is like, feeling toward normal again..... so feel good about ppl again........
i know the unperfect side now. but as long as i stat normal myself (no after too much
like before), can always see the good side of ppl.......

yeah to me it's much easier to see good side of ppl here, better then my culture u know.
i know ppl r all not perfect, but good side is still the main for sure. ppl more open,
so seem less 'selfish'. and most ppl r just more kinder, and so polite. i just feel
like, 'wow', i've got so much to improve......

hi st.degeneres...... yesterday i thought again, i'll never come to ellen's site
again.......... but then today for a whole day thought a lot, still feel like
u seem have no bad intention......... and thought about lots other things too.....
but i still remind myself not to trust ppl too easy, that's always right. and u
shouldnt trust me totally too. i think that's right for u too. because my past behavior
really doesnt appear to be so right...
i've noticed there were quite a few movies about a girl trying everything to get
to the top or to the rich, i think it implies what the 'spirit' seem to be......
have u seen there's a english tv series called 'the tutors'. i've seen some of it.
about conspiracy in the rulers. the girl who became queen, she was very charming and
furious at the same time...... sometimes the historic english always link with
'conspiracy'(part of the english culture?). because that type of girl is kind of 'irresistable' and can be very
likely use that for her 'conspiracy'....... well that's one of my thoughts today.....
because when u see the english 'valentine' type of girl, they might be good,
then they will tend to be the victums a lot. or they might be bad, then they might
use their special charm to get to the rich........ it's always in the novel and
movies........ just i didnt realize that the 'spirit' could give ppl this impression....
i can understand that u dont believe me lots times........ cause u dont know
what i'm really like, what i say might not be what i truely think.......
i mean i use to want to get to 'rich' life so much..... i would never do things
like in the movies like harm anybody for my own good, never do that. but i might
'sell' myself, maybe(just once).....[i just want to have fun too much, mean no harm
to anyone] (sorrie sounds terrible again..) but i never harm anyone no...... but that's the past. now
i changed[now 'fun' is the last thing i want], but u dont have to believe that i really changed.

i think u cant write msgs directly because it's like ur style of writing, and
also that u cant say things directly so. that's what i thought. donno if right or not.
but guessing what the msgs mean does give me a heahache always though........

i have the question about this 'spirit'. was it a good one? or not so good.
because, u c, i have completely no idea what it was like, what did it do
for u guys.......
since like it goes to everyone, this doesnt seem to be very good. and i know
there were movie called 'a few good man', i havent watched it, but i've seen
the poster.... and one of a movie long time ago about a high school football
team, and the young player said to the coach 'why u can say who stay, who
go, who gave you the power?' i think i've seen that movie(dont remember the
title) many many yrs ago....... now that line just make some sense to me...
about the spirit.......
all these seem like it didnt seem like a good one? then why later everyone
just loves 'it/her'?
and another big question is still 'how u just know that it was from a person'
(which now prove that it wasn't) but why u believe there is a person? was that
possible? what make u believe? u still havent seen any real person. how did u
guys believe? i still have no idea...........
when the 'spirit' was with u earlier, when u were little, was it nice?
really hope so...... because the real me could be much nicer...... too kind.....
always...... me could be much nicer then the 'spirit' at the time....... if were
real me at the time, when u feel down i'll always try to comfort or cheer. did
the 'spirit' ever do that? i sure hope so..................

i think the 'spirit' helps the writers with their books, which is a good thing
really. (maybe there r good books, and some not so good books as well..) anyway
the good books r helpful to ppl. helps me a lot too. i learn from the books. (but
the inspiration werent from me at all. but me one of the readers.)

anyway, so there must be a change in ur world now right? the 'spirit' doesnt
'decide' things now right? i've no idea anyway........

and i'll be there!

um. here, watching!