Whispering is not quiet. Not talking is quiet. When you’re looking for a quiet moment, a whisper can be more disturbing than a voice talking at normal volume. Whispering forces you to pay attention because you know that whatever is being said has got to be juicy. When you gossip about someone, you naturally go into a whisper. I guess that people think that if they gossip in a lower voice, it makes it all right. “Did you see Sally? She’s really let herself go.”

Some people think they can direct a whisper. They cover up their mouth with their hand or a menu. Doing that just draws attention to the fact that they’re whispering. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but when I’m in a restaurant and I see someone talk behind their menu, I think they’re talking about me. When they’re probably just whispering, “The crab cakes are horrible.” Some people have perfected the art of whispering without moving their lips. I think that’s how ventriloquism was invented. “Did I hear you say that I’ve really let myself go?” “No Sally, it was that little wooden man sitting in the corner.”