One of the best ways to stay cool this summer is to go to the movies. There’s lots to keep in mind when you’re going to the movies. First, you’ve got to find the perfect seat. I like to find a seat that’s somewhere in the middle. Once you’re seated, your eyes will be busy watching the movie. Your hands will be busy eating the popcorn. This leaves your legs out and looking for trouble. Do not let them bounce the person in front of you. No one deserves being kicked in their seat… except for tall people who sit in front of you. I think that tall people should be forced by law to sit in the last row. They can hang out back there with the people who bring in their own candy with the extra loud wrappers. There’s a reason that milk duds aren’t individually wrapped.

Then there are the people on dates at the movies. It’s very sweet. But when they’re sitting in front of you, and they get snuggly and they lean their heads in, they create a great wall that you cannot see around. It’s a love shield. And all you can do is hope their necks get tired, or they break up mid-movie. People on dates should sit in the back just in front of the tall people. Finally, people who talk back at the screen to warn the actors should sit in the lobby. Instead of yelling at the screen “Don’t go in there! There's a murderer behind the door,” they can warn people who can actually hear them: “Don’t buy that popcorn! It has 10,000 calories and costs 50 bucks! Don't do it!"