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Ellen's Thoughts | Friday, May 30, 2008 | 11:00 AM

Shorts: The New Pants

This is a great time of year, isn’t it? The sun is shining, the birds are singing and you can smell summer just around the corner... it’s either summer or Aunt Bee is cooling a rhubarb pie on the windowsill. “Andyyyy?” It’s not summer yet... and I have a confession to make; I’ve been wearing my shorts. I know you’re saying, “Ellen, it’s only May! Are you Loco?” And to that Isay, “Un poquito.”

I love shorts. I find that shorts are the most underrated article of clothing. They’re cool and breezy. Most shorts have pockets, so there’s always a place to put your hands. And when you’re wearing shorts, you’re really saying, “I feel casual AND confident... I’d like to introduce you to my legs.” I actually like to wear longer shorts. Shorts are so long now, they’re pants. And that’s fine with me, but they need to be baggy. If they’re tight, then they’re Capri pants, the cousin of the short. I say the baggier the better, because if you’re like me, your weight fluctuates and you have clothes ranging from size 8 to 12. These can go right in the middle. When you’re a size 8, they sit a little lower. When you’re a size 12, they’re a little higher. Either way, you’re good to go.

There are so many types of shorts. There’re culottes, gauchos, Bermuda shorts… those come with a camera you can hang around your neck and a fanny pack. I have one tip for you if you’re putting on shorts for the first time in a long time: moisturize! We neglect our legs all winter long, and if you put shorts on before you moisturize, it looks like you’re standing on two, long HoneyBaked Hams. And Easter’s over.

next: A Comic Called Wanda

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ELLEN, HERE IS A FEW MORE TIPS FOR SUMMER(ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MICHIGAN) I live in Northern Michigan!

1. MAKE SURE YOU GET YOUR CASE OF BUG SPRAY. Have you ever seen the size of MICHIGAN mosquitos? THEY HAVE BONES. I swear they could wear a suit and knock on doors. Oh wait a minute, those are the other pesky things we have to deal with!

2. GET OUT THE SUPER DUPER INDUSTRIAL SIZE FLY SWATTER! 747's got nothing on these flies up here!

3. STOCK UP ON BENADRYL (also need a case of this....Sams club might be the best option)

4. MAKE SURE YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE POLICY IS UP TO DATE FOR THE FREQUENT EMERGENCY ROOM VISITS DUE TO ALLLERGIC REACTIONS TO BUG BITES, SUNBURN, SAND BURNS IN PLACES WHERE SAND SHOULDNT GET, SHOCK DUE TO THE PRICES OF GAS and MACKINAC BRIDGE FARE

5. GET YOUR SEWING KIT READY, CAUSE INVARIABLY, I WILL BE SEWING MY SWIM SUIT & SHORTS CAUSE THEY ARE JUST A LITTLE TIGHTER THAN LAST SUMMER. (Probably from the Mackinac Fudge.....I live here and that is tooo close when it comes to fudge

6. GET WEDDING CONGRATULATION CARD READY TO SEND TO ELLEN & PORTIA! (Make it a really funny one though......the only way to fly with Ellen)

Posted by Lisa S Mackinaw City Michigan | June 16, 2008 8:44 PM

Wow now days we will talk about anything. The topic of today is shorts. There are all types of shorts and me personally can't do without them. I wear them in the winter and in the summer. You know my grandfather past yesterday, and all my life of knowing him I never saw him in a pair of shorts , and I'm sure we all know someone who don't wear shorts for any occassion, but I can't do without my shorts. For those of you who choose not to wear shorts I must ask why? Was your legs too ugly?

Posted by Lesia | June 13, 2008 9:57 PM

Thanks for this fun ditty about shorts. I agree. The difficulty is finding shorts long enough. I like them to the knee. They are shorter than capris and longer than shorts. We need a new name, Ellen, for long shorts. When they are swim trunks they are called "board shorts" because that is what surfers wear on their boards. Surfers wouldn't wear short shorts (except in the 1970s) and Surfers wouldn't wear capris, and neither would most lesbians. (Generalizing, I know but seriously, most lesbians I know -- including myself -- want the shorts to the knee) I like pants to be pants -- ankle length or longer. I also like a loose fit short. I spent two hours the other day shopping for the ultimate shorts and came up empty handed. There was one pair that had an internal drawstring to adjust the waist. That was perfect for those days when I am more like a 12 and less like a 10, but then the rest of the short was cut too tight. Ellen, have you considered a clothing line? We need exactly the kind of short you describe!
PS: I love the photo of the folks lounging on the chair. I want to have the confidence to wear black socks pulled up like that, with white shorts. Style-y!

Posted by LauraL | June 13, 2008 8:51 AM

Ellen,
I first want to say... I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH. You make me laugh and Smile. You are my afternoon medicine, for shore. I also love shorts. It gets real hot here in Mission Viejo, CA. I was known for my great legs, in my teens. But sence than I now sport a left knee replacement and a right leg, below the knee prostetic from a leg amputation from a water skiing accedend when I was 22 years old. I am now 53 years of age. I still love to dance and shake a LEG with my shorts on. Maybe we can dance together on stage someday. Nothing is impossible. Dream Big and BUST A MOVE GIRLFRIEND. MUCH LOVE, Janice Rose
Bedrosian

Posted by janice shopshire | June 12, 2008 7:03 PM

Ellen,
I just have to say I have nothing against shorts. On extremely hot days I consider shorts a gift from heaven because who wants to walk around in skirts all summer. Although skirts allow great air circulation to cool you down! But nowadays the shorts are getting shorter and shorter. It is not "Who wears short shorts?" anymore, but "Who doesn't wear short shorts?" I mean what is the point of wearing shorts that look like they could be underwear. If you want to walk around in underwear then buy a pair of Ellen underwear and parade around town in that!

Posted by schmidty | June 9, 2008 6:53 AM

Hey Ellen,

I had this crazy dream that you and I were planning to get married. We were gonna get married because I got you pregnant. Mind you, I am a girl, and I definitely don't have the physical ability to impregnate anyone. I also didn't know that I had a subconscious desire to marry you, but there you go, hehe.

I distinctly remember looking at you and saying, "Uh, I hope this doesn't mess things up for you and Portia," so I was somewhat aware of real life. We never actually tied the knot in the dream..but I think it was going to take place in a Mormon church (I'm not Mormon) and I remember asking you if we could just hug when the guy says "kiss the bride" because I didn't want my family to see me kissing a woman.

I felt like getting this out there because it made me giggle. Ellen, will you marry me?

Posted by Elise | June 8, 2008 10:20 PM

Dear ELLEN,
I am in MEXICO with my boyfriend visiting his family. Believe me, this is NOT THE SAME as a REAL vacation. ANYWAY, in Mexico, most women do not wear shorts, except the foreigners in the resort towns. While it is considered socially unacceptable for women to wear shorts in many parts of Mexico, surprisingly enough, it seems to be acceptable to wear skirts that are as short as and as tight as those worn by some night-working self-employed women.
Ellen, if you are still working on learning Spanish, I can help. Or when you return to CHICAGO, let me know, I will give you the native tour. !HASTA LUEGO!

Posted by Maria | June 8, 2008 4:27 PM

hi!

I was laying in bed listening to the birds songs outside my window this Sunday morning around 4am!! I love that sound!

so chirpy cheery!

beautiful! made me smile... ahhh summer!!!

June 21st!!! can't come soon enough!

I like my shorts baggy as well. Pockets are a must.

Posted by tonya | June 2, 2008 10:38 PM

I too find shorts comfortable but it seems that some people like to declare other bold expressions with them such as:

Look at my spider veins
I like to wear them above my navel
I like to wear long socks with sandals
Would you like to play connect the dots with my
mosquito bites?
I do not Nair for short shorts!
..and my favorite,
Do you still notice my rolls in this tube top and
and hot pants?

Posted by Dave | June 2, 2008 12:53 PM

My best to you throughout the move
To your
New Digs at Warner Brothers!!!
And
May you have a "Short-Filled"
Summer Hiatus!!!
Love you,
Yvonne Dagger

Posted by Yvonne Dagger | June 2, 2008 5:59 AM

HI! BONJOUR! ET OUI..OH YEAH..
C EST MOI ENCORE..IT IS ME AGAIN..
THE OTHER ELLEN..WHAT!!!!!
L AUTRE ELLEN..QUOI!!!!!
The Other French Comedian..
And Fan Of You..
Hi!Ellen..
See I Told You So..
We Have A Lot In Common..
I Do Wear Short At This Time..
I Start Wearing Them More Than A Month..WHAT!!..
Indore(inside)At Home and When I Go Get My Mail..
Hope Ill Receive Something From You..
And E-mail!!!
Can I Get A Picture From You With Your Autograph.PLEASE!!
You Should Invite Me On Your Show..
To See Who I Am..
The Other Ellen(Helene)French Comedian..
I Know Mom Would Love Me....
Im a Volunteer to Help You..
For your Packing..
For your Wedding..
For Different Things...
Ellen!!Do You Have One of Your Female Friend..
Who Is Looking To Find Love..(Real Love)
Im The One..
Tell Her..
I Wear Short.Too..:)lol...
Im Funny Too.
Im Gay Too.
Im Blond To..
Im Honest Too.
Im Loveable Too.
Im Sincere Too.
Im A Person Who Has A Big Smile Too.
Im The One ..Your Mom Would Appreciate Me Too.
So Until Then I Keep My Short On..:):):)lol
Im French But I Dont Bite:)
Im Gay But I Dont Bite:)
Me To Know and Her To Find Out:):)Oups:)
Please Gave Her My E-Mail Adress.
I Would Move To Find Real Love And Happiness Too.
Congratulations! For Your Wedding...
Can I be Invited Too. Please...
Hope Ill Get A Ticket To Meet You...
Ill Pay My Plane Ticket..
And My Room..
Dreams Come True..
From Your Big and Huge French Fan...
Helene Bedard (French Comedian)xxxooo
Dont Forget!!
You Have a Lots Of Fans Here
In Quebec City...Canadaxxxoo
We Love Youxxxooo
You Have A Picture Of Me.WHAT!
With My Funny Face..
Please Go See It...:):):):)
In Your Mail..
Health,Love ,Joy,Happiness....
Dont Forget To Say HI!
To MOM..xxxoo
Sincerely,Helene Bedard(French Comedian)xxxooo
Gatineau-Outaouais,Quebec City
Canada xxxooo



Posted by HELENE BEDARD(FRENCH FAN COMEDIAN) | May 31, 2008 8:38 AM

Ellen,
You are not fluctuating between an 8 and 12.... you look fantastic and we all can really tell the working out is paying off.... I am guessing you are more like a 4 or 6 because i see you share clothes with Portia.

You are a joy to watch every day.... we love you!
Have a great summer!!

Posted by Lisa | May 30, 2008 9:46 PM

~Gotta Love Shorts~and my rope (Jesus) shoes!~

Posted by ~Quay~ | May 30, 2008 2:24 PM

Lol "I feel casual AND confident... I'd like to introduce you to my legs"!!! That's what I'll say next time I've got a date!
The only shorts I hate obviously don't fit you definition, Ellen: I'm thinking about those tiny little shorts girls wear here in England. They're too short, too tight (they do have pockets, but no room for your hands...!), and the girls who wear them obviously do not know that normal shorts would fit them much better... But if you decide to wear one of those during one of your shows, it could be real fun ;)
Lots of love from a French fan (I'm so jealous you're learning Spanish!!)

Posted by A. | May 30, 2008 1:13 PM


HEY ELLEN;
WELL IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT YOU ENJOY WEARING SHORT'S. I START WEARING MINE MEMORIAL WEEKEND,I HAVE TO GO THROUGH BOXES THAT WERE STORED FROM THE WINTER TIME. YOU KNOW WHAT I BET THAT YOU EVEN HAVE A PAIR OF CUT OFF'S DON'T YOU.THERE IS MAGIC IN THOSE KIND OF SHORT'S, EVERY TIME THAT I WARE THOSE SHORT'S I GET A WHISTLE HERE And there.WHEN IT COME'S TO SHAVING YOUR LEG'S ONCE A WEEK IN THE WINTER. AND IN THE WARM WEATHER 2X A WEEK. THAT IS IF YOU WANT A LOT OF ACTION!!!

JUBY-DU RATAJCZAK
BUFFALO.N.Y.

Posted by Judy Ratajczak | May 30, 2008 11:38 AM

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