Drive Me Crazy!

This is what I’ve learned about driving, and I know a thing or two… maybe even three things about it. The most incredible thing is: No one thinks they’re a bad driver -- especially bad drivers! “I happen to be an excellent driver, officer!” I know what you’re thinking… is she really a good driver or is she a bad driver in denial? It’s a fair question. You’re just gonna have to trust me on this. I’m an excellent driver. So, I’d like to share my tips for driving… I call them: “Ellen’s Tips for Driving.”

* Do not continually step on the brake. The brake is not there so you can tone your calf muscles. It’s not a bass drum, it’s a brake. If you like to stop that often, take the bus. They stop all the time.

* If I’m your passenger, don’t hug the curb. If the side mirror is hitting garbage cans and mailboxes, and I’m flinching uncontrollably – I’m not having fun.

* Please go AT LEAST the speed limit! Nothing is worse than being behind a slow driver! …maybe a paper cut is worse, but after that, it’s slow drivers. It’s annoying even if you don’t want to get where you’re going. “C’MON! I need to get to my root canal!”

* Finally, some people find tailgating intimidating. I agree. And I will keep on intimidating you until you go the speed limit.

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Can't believe it Ellen I got stopped in Louisiana for going to slow ....imagine that ...No what really happened I was on I 10 and flying like everyone else and then saw a trooper behind so of course I slowed to the speed limit he blue lighted me and told me to speed up or get off the road and made some remark about Mississippi drivers.Jerk.

Posted by Kathy Hudgins | May 10, 2009 11:09 PM

Funny...give the slow folks a break...maybe they are enjoying the day or even daydreaming about something you'd like to have been doing...or not!

Don't worry that I'll ever be that slow one (I would never drive in LA)

I'm a good driver too -- ha! also re curb... don't even have to get to close to have me paranoid... I always drive if possible -- used too anyway, when gas was cheaper...

Personal pet peeve: people who pass when there is solid yellow line and risk hitting someone coming around the bend... Unless you or someone is dying the minute or 2 won't kill you...

as for tailgaters.. sometimes I let them pass, sometimes I let them sweat (slow down a bit more)... cruel perhaps, but tailgating is dangerous and I am only human...

Posted by Leslie | March 20, 2009 9:31 AM

I definitely laughed out loud while reading all of these. But I have to disagree with ONE thing..I'm a HORRIBLE driver and have finally admitted it. haha. I used to be in denial..until I got in my 3 car accident and 2 tickets later..its pretty obvious! Whoops! But my favorite would have to be the tailgating...I AGREEE!!!

You are hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh daily

Posted by Martha | February 3, 2009 6:40 PM

Ellen, U & I certainly agree on that brake stuff also the driving below the speed limit..if u bought ur car without a gas pedal take it back..I get very fustrated with almost everyone out there it seems NO ONE knows how 2 drive...I want 2 open a driving school but it's like u said they don't know they are bad drivers so they would not attend anyway...

Posted by Cathy Chamblee | January 26, 2009 12:39 PM

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Posted by henmgqtzv mwnlt | December 25, 2008 9:02 AM

I AM AN EXCELLENT DRIVER AND HAVEN'T HAD A TICKET IN 42 YEARS, THAT MAKES ME 60 YEARS OLD. I NEVER SPEED BUT ONE DAY I WAS LATE FOR WORK AND I WAS TRIPPING ALONG THE HIGHWWAY AT 5:30 A.M. GOING 82 MILES AN HOUR WHEN OUT OF NOWHERE I SAW CHRISTMAS LIGHTS FLASHING IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR. THIS CUTE MAN IN A UNIFORM, I LOVE MEN IN UNIFORMS, COMES UP TO MY WINDOW AND I HAND HIM MY DRIVERS LICENSE AND INSURANCE CARD AND ASK HIM TO PLEASE HURRY BECAUSE I WILL BE LATE FOR WORK. 7 YEARS AND I HAD NEVER BEEN LATE TO WORK. HE ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY WARRANTS OUT FOR MY ARREST, HOW RUDE WAS THAT? I SIMPLY PICKED UP MY COLD BOTTLED MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO STARBUCKS DRINK AND TOOK A SIP AND AGAIN ASKED HIM TO PLEASE HURRY. HE SAID, "WOW, YOU ARE DRINKING JUST WHAT I NEED". WELL, I ALWAYS TOOK AN EXTRA COLD MOCHA DRINK TO WORK FOR THE AFTERNOON AND SO I PROCEEDED TO TAKE IT OUT OF MY BAG AND HAND IT TO HIM. I WAS AFRAID HE WAS GOING TO GET RUN OVER WHEN HE FELL BACKWARDS LAUGHING AND SAYING HE COULD NOT BELIEVE I HAD ANOTHER STARBUCKS DRINK IN MY CAR. I THEN ASK HIM IF HE NEEDED A STRAW WITH HIS DRINK, AND AGAIN, IN THE STREET HE GOES. I TOLD HIM THAT HE SHOULD KNOW THAT GRANDMOTHERS ALWAYS TRAVEL PREPARED. HE HANDED ME BACK MY LICENSE AND INSURANCE CARD AND ASK WHAT EXIT I WOULD BE TAKING OFF THE FREEWAY. I TOLD HIM AND HE TOLD ME TO HEAD OUT AND HE WOULD RADIO THE TWO OFFICERS AHEAD TO LET ME PASS, PERMISSION TO GO 80 MPH, BUT THEN I WOULD HAVE TO SLOW DOWN AFTER I TOOK THE EXIT. HE SAID I HAD MADE HIS DAY AND TO CARRY ON - NO TICKET. AS I PASSED THE TWO OTHER OFFICERS ON MY WAY THEY FLASHED THEIR LIGHTS AT ME AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I CLOCKED IN ONE MINUTE BEFORE I WOULD HAVE BEEN LATE. I WROTE STARBUCKS ABOUT THE STORY AND THEY SENT ME 4 FREE COUPONS. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: POLICEMEN LOVE STARBUCKS, NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT AN EXTRA ONE.

Posted by ELISABETH POOLE | December 6, 2008 10:16 AM

It drives me crazy when you have someone riding right off your bumper, and finally they pass you... You happen to notice their license plates & wow--they have a handicap license plate.
Jimmy cricket! I wonder what their handicap is...and who taught them how to drive!

My second, it drives me crazy is when there isn't a soul behind you and someone waiting in their driveway pulls out in front of you and you have to slow completely down...they couldn't wait one more car!!!!

Gina,
Grant, Michigan

Posted by Gina Van Heck | November 18, 2008 2:17 PM

Ok, I go the spped limit most of the time! Maybe the speeders should go the speed limit, because I think that is why most people tailgate me, because they are in so much a hurry that they have to make my driving a nervous reck. If they left 1/2 to 2 hours earlier the start of the day or the start of their journey, they would'nt have to tailgate or even worry about being late for their hernia operation. If most people were not in so much a hurry, I think there would be less tailgating and less road rage.

Posted by Jim Hudock | November 13, 2008 11:04 AM

Hello Ellen,
Perhaps these products will hellp others to do the speed limit.
Hope you like them as much as I like your humor.
Scott

Posted by Scott | October 15, 2008 10:24 PM

You said it SISTA! #4 made me laughhh ... living in a remote town, where the local road is also the highway that tourists use during the summer ... get behind a 1 800 Rent-an-rv! doing thirty mile and hour around the several hairpin turns ... Goddess give me strength! I will think of you as I keep on intimidatin til they do the speed limit ... :):)

Posted by Carolyn | September 19, 2008 10:37 PM

Hi Ellen,
If you are being tailgated, wash your car windows. The wash goes over your car and gets all over the tailgater. It is especially satisfying if the tailgater has a new car or a convertible.

Posted by Margaret | August 19, 2008 11:13 AM

that last comment was from me... just forgot to add my name... no shame in being a bad driver yo... in fact, consciousness helps me to drive better ;)

Posted by celeste | August 18, 2008 4:06 PM

im a horrible driver, so maybe im really just a good driver in denial...

Posted by Anonymous | August 18, 2008 4:01 PM

slow driving is annoying but ..the orange doesn't mean speed up before the red light turns on!!Ok??

Posted by vicky Greece | August 3, 2008 7:24 PM

Eh? Cars? Tailgating? Speed limits?
The gals in my neck of the woods are on a bicycle....passengers ridge squarely between my arms on the handlebars. Divine.
No wonder we had same sex marriage years before you all down there in the americas. Much more civilized , I argue.
Cheers! You al come back now , ya hear!

Posted by metta | July 4, 2008 7:42 AM

HI ELLEN;
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU AND WOULD NORMALLY AGREE WITH EVERYTHTHING YOU SAY BUT IN THE INSTANCE OF THE SPEED LIMIT I HAVE SOME ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS.
I LIVE IN AN RV (TRAVEL TRAILER) AND DUE TO THE INCREASING FUEL COSTS OF DIESEL ESPECIALLY, I DRIVE 50 MPH ON THE FREEWAY REGARDLESS OF HOW FAST I COULD GO. I READ THAT IT HELPS A GREAT DEAL TO SAVE ON FUEL IF YOU DRIVE 50 MPH AND I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET. SO PLEASE THINK OF ME WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING SLOWER THAN THE SPEED LIMIT. WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO GO FASTER.
THANKS
PS I STILL WANT TO BE ON YOUR SHOW FOR MY CHRISTMAS (LAST YEAR'S) AND MY 60TH BIRTHDAY ON JULY 17TH. THATS ALL I REALLY WANT.
CHERYLEE

Posted by CHERYLEE BECKER | June 15, 2008 9:15 AM

Ellen,
I would like to add my own little tip.

*If you are a daredevil use driving as a chance to exercise. Lean the seat back as far as it goes and when you stop at a red light do sit-ups in your seat. Don't worry about time, if the light turns green continue doing sit-ups until you reach your goal. The other cars can wait or drive around you. Your health is the most important!

Posted by schmidty | June 9, 2008 6:58 AM

Hi Ellen, I have to agree with you on tailgating, but when I ride in the car with my mom she goes speed limit no matter what. Even though everyone else is going at least 5 miles over. I give her Kudos for following the law but cummon!, put the petal to the metal! I gave to say that what annoys me most is people with turn signals, either they turn then on a mile before turning which would lead me to think they're pulling into the breakdown lane or just enjoy the sound the clicking. Or they leave it on for like a 1/4 mile post turn intil they reach the corner and realize it's on. How sould they ignore that ingodly clicking or are they just jamming to it? If you're one of these people please STOP!, it annoys and misleads people behind you.

Posted by Dave | June 2, 2008 12:41 PM

signal lights are not for decorative purposes on the car, they are not there to pimp it out, they are there so when I am tailgating them I know what way to avoid going.. The funny thing is they always seem to end up in front of you in the end of the drive anyways.. how does that work? they must spend their time practicing baing a jacka** then put to use during heavy traffic..lol

Posted by Shelayne Robinson | June 1, 2008 11:51 AM

you forgot #6 Hire katie as my massage therapist

Posted by katie | May 28, 2008 10:50 AM