February 2008 Archives

30 seconds to air: Ellen walks under this backstage chandelier.

28 seconds to air: The photographer taking this photo runs out of film.

25 seconds to air: the cable holding up the chandelier snaps.

20 seconds to air: from out of nowhere, an old lady carrying a baby and a puppy walk under the chandelier.

15 seconds to air: Ellen pushes the old lady out of the way. (Not too hard though. The old lady doesn't get hurt and she doesn't drop the baby or the puppy.)

10 seconds to air: Still standing under the chandelier, Ellen stops to quickly tie her shoe. One of her laces gets caught on a nail stuck in the floor.

5: seconds to air: Ellen wonders why it's taking so long for the chandelier to fall on her.

1: second to air: Ellen gets her shoelace free just in time and walks out to do her show completely composed like nothing happened at all.

SIZES MATTER

If you can twirl your arms around comfortably, then you know that your shirt fits. If the shirt rips down the back, then you know you need a bigger size, either that or you’re The Hulk. Sometimes, I’ll buy a shirt or pants that are too small because I love them so much. I think, I don’t need to button them. I’ll get a rubber band to hold them up. I’ll wear a long shirt or big underwear the same color so nobody will know. Or, I’ll buy them and think, “Well if I lose 2lbs, they’ll fit.” It’s like an incentive to lose a few pounds. You justify buying them. Then they sit in the closet forever and mock you, “Hey fatty, fatty, two by four! At least take the tags off!”

Clothing companies should sew in tags with sizes that are smaller than the clothes actually are. So when you try on pants that are a 6, the tags would say 4. Everybody would suddenly feel great about themselves. “Look, I fit into a 4 now!” It wouldn’t matter if your beer belly was stretching over your waistline, We would believe the tag before believing our own eyes. Of course, it’s the opposite if you try on pants that are supposed to be your size and they’re too small. Then you never believe the tag. You think somebody messed up at the pants factory. I guess my point is, whatever your size is, if the pants fit …wear them.

She went to the same high school at the same time as Snoop Dogg.

Her friends nicknamed her “Skeletor.”

Her first big break was in the movie "The Mask."

My lunch today looks like a fresh green meadow in springtime. I just want to take off my shoes and walk through it. ...but that would be silly. I only walk through my breakfasts. (I love my pancakes really really flat.) Today I am having chicken salad lettuce wraps with a mache salad. Lettuce wraps are such a good idea. In the carb curbing world we now live in, we can replace lettuce leaves for anything we used to use bread for. Hotdogs, tacos, any kind of sandwich. There's no need for bread anymore! Remind me to give you my recipe for lettuce pudding sometime. MMMMM!

Sometimes, with a lunch like this, I pretend that I'm a rabbit. I put a blanket over my head and pretend that I'm in my rabbit burrow. Then, I crawl out and hop on over to my lunch and take tiny rabbit bites out of it. Then... someone from my staff usually walks in and asks me what I'm doing eating my lunch off the floor. ...I should have heard them coming with my big long ears.

Enjoy your lunch.

Ellen

Ellen sent Stryker out to see how much people know about leap year. It was one small leap for Stryker, one giant leap for mankind.

You love reading Ellen's thoughts every day, now it's your turn. If you have a brief inspirational thought you'd like to share with Ellen and her readers, please send it along. We just might publish it. Click here to find out how to send it.

Everybody else knows what’s on Ellen’s show tomorrow. Don’t you think it’s time that you knew too?

How can one of the world's most popular television personalities be shy, you ask? The answer is that many shy people overcompensate for their shyness by having their own talk shows. Johnny Carson was notoriously shy and stayed in a small room located under his desk until he would hear Doc Severinsen start up the band. Dick Cavett never spoke a word until he was 27-years old. Mike Douglas was so shy that he had a Mike Douglas impersonator host every single one of his shows.

Look at those bright blue eyes yearning to be your friend. Sometimes if you are quiet and don't make any quick movements, you can coax her out by making clicking sounds and she will host a show for you. I think it's a testament to her dedication and professionalism that she overcomes her fears day after day to entertain all of us. Shhhh. Ellen's show is about to start. Don't make any sudden movements and back up slowly. There's only ...30 Seconds To Air.

BRAIN SURGERY

The expression, “it’s not brain surgery,” means, “how hard can it be?” I guess brain surgery is the most difficult thing someone can do. Although, my parents used to say, “You think this is hard work, try being a coal miner.” So, I skipped the 4th grade and tried coal mining for a year. They weren’t kidding, it’s hard. I don’t ever say to people, “If you think this is hard, try hosting a talk show.” Although, some people do think this is hard. Public speaking is the #1 fear for people. Well, public speaking and sharks, and publicly speaking to sharks…I don’t even want to think about it.

Still, I have to say brain surgery is harder than hosting a talk show. One of the big differences is, if I make a mistake I can start over. I don’t think you have that luxury in brain surgery. When a comic does good they can say, “I killed”. Brain surgeons don’t ever want to say that. One thing I do know is you don’t want a first time brain surgeon. I want someone who’s had some practice…on other people’s brains. When you think about it, every brain surgeon has to start somewhere. Even worse than a first timer is a cocky brain surgeon. You never want to hear your brain surgeon claim, “Hey, it’s a no brainer!” Thanks for letting me talk about this. It was pretty easy. …I mean, it’s not rocket science.

She was born in Roswell, New Mexico.

Her Birth name is Demetria Gene Guynes.

Her first movie was the horror film "Parasite."

Her mother named her after a shampoo.

For my lunch today I am having a delicious Italian anti-pasta salad. I guess whoever made it must have something against pasta. Who could be anti pasta? Pasta is wonderful. I could see being against pasta if something bad happened. Like, if you were attacked by pasta when you were a kid walking home from school, or if pasta stole your boyfriend, or if pasta snuck into the parking space you were trying to get. But, other than those rare occurrences, I can not imagine how you could be anti pasta. Whether it's the long kind or the spirally kind or the tubey kind or the kind that looks like bow ties, pasta is delicious.

Noodles were invented by the Chinese. We know this because they found a bowl of noodles that were over 4000 years old. (I guess the person who made it was still waiting for it to cool off.) Then, Marco Polo brought it back for the rest of the world to enjoy. Marco Polo also discovered the shirts with the little embroidered horse on them. He also invented the game polo, where guys would ride around trying to hit a meat ball with long wooden spoons. Anyway, this salad doesn't have any pasta but it does have a lot of scrumptiousness.

Enjoy your lunch

Ellen

Why is Ellen standing there alone?

A) The kids that she was playing freeze tag with, tagged her and then cruelly ran off to climb trees in the orchard.

B) She's trying to remember if she put the lid back on her ant farm.

C) The paralyzing venom from the Japanese puffer fish that she had for lunch finally kicked in.

D) The Burbank Police department finally tied Ellen to the recent rash of window soapings and have yelled at her to freeze!

Hurry up with your answer. There's only 30 Seconds To Air!

His birth name is Reginald Kenneth Dwight.

He has played the piano since he was four years old.

He started wearing glasses to copy one of his idols, Buddy Holly.

He auditioned for the bands King Crimson and the Spencer Davis group but was not accepted.

Today for lunch I'm having a Caesar Salad with sun dried tomatoes and olives. Once again, hats off to Caesar for creating such a great salad. Maybe I should say hail Caesar. Not a lot of people know this, but many historical conquerors were great chefs. The great Chinese General Tso made a wonderful tangy orange chicken. Napoleon made delicious little pastries. General Patton was a genus with crepes. Attila The Hun used to make really tasty smores and once claimed that if he hadn't been so busy pillaging, he would have opened up his own hot dog stand. Alexander the Great was known as Alexander the Pretty Good until he started making quiches that were to die for.

The key is that these men conquered their food. Caesar would sneak up on a salad just before dawn and just as the sun's rays started to peak over the mountains, he would send in legions of anchovies and croutons covered in dressing. The salad was tossed before it knew what hit it. Men of peace... Not so good at cooking. Why do you think Ghandi was always so skinny?

Enjoy conquering your lunch

Ellen

Ellen has a bunch of questions from her show today. If you answer them correctly you could win some great stuff. We’re not sure what kind of great stuff, but it will definitely be great. It just might be incredible stuff. Especially if you have low expectations. The winners will be chosen at random so if you are a random person, you have a really good shot at winning. Good luck. Click here to take the quiz.

The very charming Lisa Sparkman from Valley View, Texas won a GMC Acadia on Wednesday. It will come in handy since she wrecked her husband's car last week.

MY LAST WORD ON THE OSCARS

A few final thoughts about the Oscars. I know they were Sunday but I like to wait a day or so. …It’s like letting a fine wine breathe. I can’t believe more people don’t fall at the Oscars. Women are wearing high, high, very high, high heels and dresses that are very tight at the knees and then widen out around the ankles. I guess in case there’s swelling they’ll have room. Plus, they have a six-foot train. How do they walk anywhere? Aren’t people tripping over them? The new thing with the dresses is no back …none …their front is all covered then they turn around and there’s nothing, just a back. … How does the dress stay on? It’s magic, I tell ya. It’s like a hospital gown. You just tie it around the neck and the rest is open. I think someone should wear one of those gowns to the Oscars next year. “Who are you wearing?” “Kaiser Permanente!”

You know what would be great to have all the time? The music they play to tell people to wrap up their speeches. Let’s say you’re at a party and somebody is telling you a story that seems like it’ll never end and the person doesn’t get the hints you want it to be over …like when you nod off into your gin and tonic. “I’m sorry, were you saying something …for over an hour that didn’t seem to have a point?” It would be great to have that music swell up and get louder and louder until you can’t hear them anymore. And if that doesn’t work, it would be great to have one of those tall women in the gowns escort the person off. If the Academy could market those two things, they'd be rich! ...And then they could afford a lot more Oscars to give out.

Ever since she met Chris Bryant, Ellen has become obsessed with car jumping. Sometimes she will run through the studio parking lot jumping over every car she sees. One time she even made it over a bus. "It burns more calories than my Hawaii Chair," Ellen insists. Now, to get warmed up for her show, Ellen likes to have a GMC Acadia parked just back stage so she can jump over it again and again. "I prefer the Acadia," Ellen adds. "Since it's kind of halfway between a SUV and a sedan, it's just the right height." Ellen likes to do her car jumping drills right up until the last minute before her show starts. But right now it's past the last minute. In fact there's only ...30 Seconds To Air!