January 2008 Archives

In this hectic, competitive world, it's important to have vital information that could literally save your life. We hope you get it. Meanwhile, here's Ellen telling you about her fantastic Super Bowl show.

Karol Smith thought she was going to be on Ellen to show off her bad photo that she paid for, but Ellen and GMC had a big surprise for her instead, a fully loaded brand new GMC Acadia. You know, I don’t think we ever got to see her bad photo.

He was born in Honolulu, Hawaii.

At age 6, he spent 4 years in Jakarta, Indonesia.

He won a Grammy award in 2006.

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S WINDY

It was windy today. The rain is over and the sun is finally out, but that wind is something else. If I had hatches, I’d batten them down. They call these winds the Santa Ana winds. It sounds very peaceful and soothing like a pretty song. “The Santa Anna winds are blowing butterflies on my mind…” Apparently these winds come from a place called Santa Ana. I guess they like to get out of town once in a while. “Hey, let’s blow down to the big city and raise the roof!” It’s a whipping wind. Trees are falling, lines are down, ...my bonnet blew away. The bees that were in there flew off.

I saw the answer, my friend, it was blowin’ in the wind. I’d tell you what the answer is, but that would be cheating. Not that I have anything against the wind. I love the wind. The wind is the wind beneath my wings. It’s just that it’s the windiest I’ve ever seen here. I expected to wake up this morning with my house on top of a witch. Everyone’s skin is dry and chapped from the wind. People in Los Angeles usually look so fresh and clean. Today they look a little crusty …like stale sourdough bread. Don’t worry, this wind will be over soon. In the meantime, may the wind be at your back ...unless you’re a magician. Magicians like the wind from the front. It makes their tricks more dramatic.

Today for lunch I am having a Maine lobster roll sandwich with lemon poppy cole slaw and a bowl of pea soup. It makes me feel like I'm on a New England seashore. As a matter of fact, I'm wearing my yellow slicker as I write this. I'm pretending to breathe in the saltwater spray as the waves pound against my skiff.

What's the difference between a skiff and a dingy? What's the difference between a pier and a jetty? What kind of fish do fish sticks come from? Are there schools of breaded stick fish swimming in the ocean? By the way, this sandwich is delicious! And the soup is hearty fare, Matey! Arg! Sorry, I turned into a pirate for a moment. This sandwich is just the thing for me to keep up my strength so that I can haul in my comedy nets for my daily catch of jokes.

Enjoy your lunch, land lubbers!

Ellen

It’s the premiere of Ellen’s newest game and it’s easy to play! All you need are some marshmallows, some string, a giant rubber band and some superstretchedout nostrils!

As part of “Whuut The February,” Ellen and GMC have a big, big, big, announcement (for anyone who likes free cars.)

There’s something you need to know about tomorrow’s show. I wasn’t going to say anything but I’d rather that you heard it from me first.

On this day in 1967, Ellen sings the 50 states song for her class. No one notices that she adds South Virginia as one of the states and forgets to include Ohio.

On this day in 2006, 3 year old Isabella Natallini cracks Ellen up when she sings “The 50 States Song,” It becomes one of the most beloved moments from the show.

IT’S IN THE BAG

I know that you are reading this for a laugh, but today we’re also going to learn. We are going to learn while we laugh. We are going to "Lerf." I was coming into the office today and I had to carry some tapes, a few magazines, my folders and my beanie babies, and I didn’t have a bag. I just had to hug it all towards me. What did people do before bags? Forget the small pox vaccination or the wheel, the bag is a genus invention that we all take for granted.

There are 2 groups who truly appreciate the bag: My mama and cats. My mama saves every bag she uses. She can’t throw them away. Cats love bags just as much. Just put a bag on the floor and cats will play in it for hours. "This tiny cave smells like salami, and it makes crinkly noises!" Once the paper bag was invented, they invented lots of variations. There’s Zip-lock bags, garbage bags, freezer bags, doggie bags, duffle bags, (for holding all your duffle) and don’t get me started on Louis Vuitton bags. Am I right ladies? So that’s my lecture on the importance of bags. I hope you’ve lerfed something today. Tomorrow will be part 2 of my bag series entitled, “A Friend By Your Side: Rediscovering The Fanny Pack."

My lunch today is a filet mignon on a bed of arugula with tomatoes, olives and balsamic vinaigrette dressing. You'll notice that I will be using a steak knife with my lunch. You know it's a fancy lunch when the specialty utensils come out. I'm not sure if this is a salad fork or a regular fork, but I'm wondering, since this is basically a steak salad, if it's ok to eat my steak with my salad fork? What would Miss Manners say? Can I use my steak knife on my tomato? Is there such a thing as a tomato knife?

You know what has not caught on in fine dining? The spork. You know those plastic spoon/fork combos you sometimes get at fast food restaurants? Just 1 spork instead of all those other forks and spoons would get rid of a lot of future embarrassment at fancy restaurants everywhere. Of course, there will still be the embarrassment that comes when that crumb waiter shows up and scrapes about a pound of crumbs from next to your plate, but I'm working on that.

How would you like to win a free Brita pitcher and Sara Bareilles' wonderful debut CD, "Little Voice"? Now you can rehydrate while you listen to some great music. Click here to enter.

Thanks to Brita for donating $100,000 to Brat Pitt's Make It Right Foundation. If you'd like to donate $100,000 ...or any other amount, click here.

Also, don't forget you can enter to win Ellen's birthday present to her audience too! Brand new flat screen LCD Vizio televisions! Click here.

Ellen has some more bad photos that you paid for. And the truth is, these photos would still be bad if they were free.

Watching my show everyday is an important part of a healthy diet. Click the screen to find out more.

Go ahead, treat yourself to Ellen's Game Room. You deserve it after all the stress you went through with that thing ...that was so stressful, and all the hard work you put into that ...project that ended up being way more work than you thought it would be. Seriously, you need to relax after that person got you so aggravated about that ...incident. You know what I'm talking about. Play a game. You'll feel better.

Can you identify the person in the photo with Ellen?

He was born in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Once, he played a character named "Sodapop."

He was in a TV series called "Dr. Vegas."

Is that Ellen DeGeneres? I can't believe she's still doing her show after 40 years. All those shows and she's never slowed down. I read somewhere that one February, I think it was in 08, it was definitely before the mini ice age, anyway, that February, she had so many incredible shows filled with amazing stunts, games, guests and prizes, that she broke all the ratings meters. They just exploded on top of all of the TV's. That was the month that human bowling took off. Now The Human Bowling League is bigger than the NFL and Major League Baseball combined and it's all because of Ellen. I'd ask her if she needs a little help but by now I'm sure she knows where to go when there's just ...30 Seconds To Air.

BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS

Today I want to remind you that you can’t take life too seriously. And if you’re reading this blog, you probably don’t take life too seriously. Or else you’d be reading the New York Times website. I don’t take myself seriously, especially when I’m doing my show. When I make a mistake, it’s caught on camera, and we replay the mistake over and over. I mispronounce things like “Sur la table” and any last name that has more than two syllables. Sorry Melina Kanekarides! So, I have no choice but to laugh, because if I cry, my fake eyelashes will come off. People have a hard time taking me seriously. And sometimes I have to be serious. “Can you please help me? I have a flat tire.” Then the passerby will laughingly ask, “How flat is it!?!! You are hysterical, Ellen DeGeneres!”

There are jobs where you have to be serious, like those guards at Buckingham Palace. They’re called Beefeaters. They never even crack a smile. If they would drink some Beefeater, maybe they would lighten up. Also, you never see a giggling Spy. “The crow, ha ha ha, flies at midnight… This fake mustache tickles!” What I’m saying is, you shouldn’t take things too seriously no matter what you do. Unless you’re a surgeon… and you’re operating on me - you can take that seriously. But, if you’re my surgeon and you wanna make me laugh when you’re done, two words: puppet show!

Today I am having a delicious Asian crab salad for lunch with arugula, baby herbs and candied walnuts. I love crab. I wonder how they got their name. They don't seem particularly crabby ...unless you try to pull them out of their shells. ...And then, who wouldn't be crabby if you got pulled out of your house? There are a lot of negative names based on animals that I don't think are really fair. We call people who are afraid, "Chicken" but I've met several tough chickens who wouldn't think twice about kicking your butt. They know they were descended from dinosaurs.

If you ever get to hang out with a pig, you'll see that they are very tidy. Most of the time, their mud puddles are immaculate. I have never met an untrustworthy weasel. All the weasels I know have incredible character. Okay, there was one who borrowed some of my power tools and never returned them, but I'm sure he just forgot. I wonder what animals say about us. I wonder if there is a crab out there right this moment saying, "Stop trying to pull me out of my shell, Larry! You're such a ...human!"